It is normal for family members to believe that they cannot be okay when someone they love is sick or miserable. It is normal for them to think it would be betrayal to be alright in the midst of a beloved\u2019s illness or discomfort. However, that is exactly what is called for in the case of familial addiction.<\/p>\n
Remember what the airline flight attendants say in their speech before takeoff. They remind you that in case of emergency and the deployment of the oxygen masks to first place the mask on your own face before you attempt to help others. This is the same kind of situation.<\/p>\n
Detachment is a tool for family members\u2019 recovery and a goal of most recovery programs for co-dependents. Detachment makes it possible to give up responsibility for another person\u2019s disease or recovery from it. \u00a0 As part of the family dynamics of addiction, the family member becomes hopelessly entangled in the addict\u2019s addiction. \u00a0 The family member gets obsessed with the addict. Healthy detachment from the addict\u2019s addiction<\/em> must occur in order to begin one\u2019s own recovery. \u00a0When family members are detached in a healthy manner, they are more likely to be able to seize an opportunity to assist the addict to get into recovery.<\/p>\n In their obsession with the addict\u2019s addiction, family members typically think that they have the answers, that they can (or should) fix it, or that they know exactly what the addict needs to do to change their lives. In the process, you get locked into a struggle for control that just helps perpetuate the addiction.<\/p>\n When you are obsessing about others\u2019 problems, you are focusing all your energy and other resources on what they are doing or not doing, thinking or not thinking, feeling or not feeling. These obsessions about others don\u2019t solve anyone\u2019s problems. To get locked into a struggle over control with the addict helps the addict stay in denial by blaming you.<\/p>\n When you are obsessing about someone else, you become detached from yourself. You don\u2019t know what you are feeling. You question your own sense of reality and sanity. You may get into a circular pattern of worrying, reacting, and obsessively trying to control. Family members tend to get so bound up in this coercive pattern that they forget that they have other choices than to react in this manner. They are engaged in compulsive behaviour, like the addict. They become invested in their own solutions and compulsively keep trying to sell that solution to the addict. Family members\u2019 solutions may be right on. They may be perfectly rational or reasonable. Unfortunately, addiction is not rational, nor reasonable.<\/p>\n Family members often get to a place of detachment through frustration and anger. Detachment does not have to involve anger or a hostile withdrawal. It does not involve an acceptance of anything that comes your way. It is not about withholding love and concern. \u00a0Family members can detach with love.<\/p>\n Healthy detachment involves mentally, emotionally, and sometimes physically, letting go of others\u2019 responsibilities. With healthy detachment<\/em>, you acknowledge that you cannot solve another\u2019s problems and you allow them the dignity to do it for themselves. Healthy detachment is also about eliminating the worry that goes with taking on responsibility for another without the authority or the ability to effect change. Healthy detachment also assumes that you take on the job of your own responsibilities.<\/p>\n How do family members detach with love? It is easier to let go of control of something when you realize that you never really had control in the first place. A good place to start with learning healthy detachment is to identify how your attempts to take control have not worked and have in fact, created unmanageability in your own life. These attempts might involve trying to manage their mood, limit their intake of chemicals, manipulate, nag, reason, plead or shame them into changing their behaviour.<\/p>\n It is helpful to understand that your efforts to take control have involved \u201cchasing an illusion of control.\u201d The illusion of control comes from thinking that your efforts worked, when in fact, over time, the effort was not effective. A family member, in focusing on \u201cthem,\u201d becomes a person that he\/she doesn\u2019t want to be as his\/her own life becomes unmanageable. When family members can identify how attempts are not working and how those attempts create havoc in their own lives, it is easier to give up the illusion of control and the need to control.<\/p>\n Family members can recover, regardless of whether the addict does. Allowing the addict to suffer the natural negative consequences of their behaviour can allow crises to happen. Having peace of mind and stability in your own life allows you to be able to take advantage of the crises that occur and to assist the addict to find the appropriate help they need when they are most willing to accept it.<\/p>\n The anonymous \u201cLet Go\u201d text sums up quite eloquently what detachment with love is all about:<\/p>\n Let Go<\/strong><\/p>\n\n