Back From the Pits of Addiction

How I reclaimed my life with some help

I am different

I was born over 60 years ago in a small town in India. My father was a senior government official on a transferable job. I lived in reasonably comfortable homes in different cities and towns , with a retinue of servants and other perks.

For as long as I can remember, I felt I was a special person – sort of different to ‘normal’ people in a superior kind of way. I managed to get through school without really working hard, even getting a gold medal in high school.

During teens and later, I always had the best-looking girls in town as girlfriends. The girls liked me, their mothers trusted me – I was that sort of guy!

I even had my share of fame – I was a successful member of the theatre community. I wrote, directed, produced and acted in several plays.

All this reinforced my belief that I was different in a unique way – I could get away with anything.

I started occasionally smoking and drinking in school. Still, my real journey in addiction began when I went to Delhi University for graduation in 1973.

At that time, New Delhi and most of north India was part of the worldwide wave of ‘hippies’ – the fag end of ‘make love, not war’ movement. Vietnam war and Woodstock were just over, and the young were seeking some higher meaning. Alcohol and drugs were rampant.

Several ‘godmen’ were propagating their beliefs – Bhagwan Rajneesh, Balyagoeshwar, Maharishi of Beatles fame. Even Harvard professors like Timothy Leary and Richard Alpert and John C Lily were experimenting and encouraging people to “turn on, tune in, drop out” by popping LSD and. Baba Ramdass wrote some mind-boggling books based on his experiences with a Himalayan guru and Carlos Castaneda about the teachings of a Mexican shaman. I absorbed this alternative reality that further made me believe I was a person with a “higher” consciousness. The lifestyle entailed a carefree, unstructured attitude spiked with a variety of drugs.

Living a double life

I started living a double life. While maintaining a veneer of social compliance, I was becoming dependent on alcohol and drugs. Of course, I didn’t realize that, believing that such a lifestyle is the “real” way to live a full life.

After graduation, I didn’t pursue further studies and started working in the advertising industry. At that time, it was vastly different. Alcohol was an accepted part of the lifestyle of the advertising world; even smoking weed was okay with the creative units.

I worked in various advertising agencies and drifted in the working world.

I would often resign from a job when I sensed I was going to be fired!

My father, at times, helped me in landing jobs. Yet, I was always resentful of his straight thinking and lifestyle – you know the old-fashioned principles of education, hard work, honesty!

As it was becoming harder to get by with drugs in the workplace and alcohol was more acceptable, my drinking increase in leaps and bounds.

Then came marriage. My wife believed she could reform me with love and care (sounds familiar?). Still, her herculean efforts failed before the all-powerful alcohol. By now, we had a daughter, who was insecure in this world and scared of her father. My wife filed for divorce. At that time, I felt it strange that my parents were supporting my wife and not their son.

I can now understand the long-drawn trauma my parents were going through. In due course, a senior Al-anon member advised the about detachment which entailed withdrawing support.

Recovery

I finally agreed to seek help, not for any recovery (because I didn’t believe I had a problem), but more to manipulate and regain control over my family!

I enrolled in an online recovery program at Hope Trust. My therapist helped me in exploring my irrational thinking patterns and misplaced belief systems. I became open-minded to fresh inputs and experienced personal growth, which had been stunted due to my addictive behaviours.

The therapy team also worked with my wife, daughter and parents. Slowly, hesitatingly, the relationships started to heal.

I got re-married to her after a gap of several years, and we had a son who is a gift of sobriety.

Now I realize that I have been ‘different’ and special all my life – I cannot drink like regular folks. Small issues that normal folks can deal with easily are often so difficult for me. My mind is mostly my worst enemy. I have had so many unresolved emotions accumulated over the years, and my attitudes are often unreasonable.

I began the journey of recovery through the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous with the help of my therapist and sponsor.

“Progress, not perfection” is so apt when I try to define my life in sobriety. Every day, I move ahead toward a more humble, open-minded and tolerant self. I do have setbacks, but the process is slow, but sure. The progress has brought immense joy and rewards – for me, my family and many people who have crossed my path.

For this, I am forever grateful to Hope Trust and Alcoholics Anonymous.