Expectations
The deadly traps for recovering addicts

Alcoholics and addicts experience being on a “pink cloud” shortly after they begin recovering from addiction. As the fog caused by their addiction or compulsion lifted, they began to feel good for the first time in months or even years. They felt so good. They were sure their problems were over forever. Undoubtedly, their therapist warned them the euphoria wouldn’t last. But most of them secretly expected it would. And sure enough, their counsellor was right.

Eventually, they fall off their cloud and begin to deal with life as it really is, rather than as they wish it to be. Through intensive therapy, they begin to understand their lives on a spiritual plane. They achieve some serenity as promises begin to come true, and they are on their way to lasting recovery.

Why expectations can be a problem

When the addict has been abstinent for a few years, they are likely to run into problems they didn’t expect. They’ve learned, for the most part, the meaning of “one day at a time.” They probably are not going to a 12 Step meeting as they did in the beginning. Their jobs are working reasonably well; their relationships with others have smoothed out a bit. In short, the recovery program is working for them. They are beginning to understand serenity and know some real peace of mind. Life is looking pretty good.

Problems begin when they expect the good life will be theirs forever, without a hitch. They get into trouble when they count on a particular person, place, or situation to bring them exactly the results they want when they want it or make unreasonable demands on themselves. Life doesn’t flow smoothly, and if they expect it to, they are setting themselves up for disappointments.

Not all expectations, of course, lead to difficulties. After all, to “to expect” means to look forward to something to anticipate something. It is when the recovering alcoholic’s expectations grow out of proportion that problems develop. Moreover, life is full of unexpected turns and twists, and not all matters turn out as planned. The addict’s addictive personalities seem to make it easy for them to create grandiose visions, and they anticipate the results of almost any action. This would not be so bad if they did not insist their expectations be met. But instead of responding to unfulfilled expectations with acceptance, they tend to react as if the world has ended or blame others for their unmet expectations. In such situations, the addict may wallow in self-pity or anger; retaliate and make a bad situation worse.

Disappointment or resentment, that feeling of being let down, gets them into the most trouble. When their expectations are not met, they begin to feel isolated and alone. They wonder what’s wrong with them, with their world, and with God. They may even start to think that recovery is not worth it. Carried to the extreme, these feelings can lead to a relapse because they create the sense there’s no point in going on.

Three kinds of expectations

We can classify expectations in three ways: the expectations the alcoholic places on themselves, those they place on others, and those they put on things and situations. Any of these can be harmful and often work together.

Recovering addicts usually find they are expecting a great deal from themselves – perhaps more than they would expect from anyone else. And when they fail to live up to these self-imposed expectations, they are harder on themselves than anyone else would be.

Why would the addict place such demand on themselves, then beat themselves up when they think they fail? It’s partly because they have enjoyed a little success in recovery, and they want more. They have not yet learned their limits or how to bring balance to the goals they set for themselves. It’s also partly because they must find a way to make up for the time lost while actively using alcohol and drugs. They think they have to rush madly about to achieve the success that indeed would have been theirs if they hadn’t been addicted.

They also tend to expect a lot from people around them. If they are parents, they expect more from their kids. They also expect their family to begin to trust them immediately. They may demand so much from others that they put a heavy strain on their relationships.

The third type of expectation is the one they hold for places and things. How many people have you known who have taken a vacation and come home disappointed? Or what about the person who is dissatisfied with a new car or other purchase? When this happens, they are looking outside themselves for a quick fix. They think the latest clothes or new apartment are the keys to happiness. Although there is nothing wrong with material possessions, they will not give us contentment – and to expect them to is a sure way to be disappointed.

Some solutions

So, what are they to do? They have worked hard for their recovery, and all of a sudden, the bottom drops out of their world. What now?

The quickest way to deal with any disappointment is to spot-check inventory when it happens. The addict needs to ask himself, “Why am I disappointed? What did I expect to happen in this situation?”. When they answer these questions honestly, they shall see they were placing unreasonable or unrealistic demands on themselves, someone else, or the situation. Once they get a handle on the demand they’ve made, they can let it go immediately.

It’s also helpful to ask, “What can I learn from this?”. Of course, one thing is not to have expectations so high. But if they look deeper and see if they wanted a particular outcome to enhance their view of themselves or for some entirely selfish reason.

Sometimes, addicts and alcoholics need to do a more thorough overhaul of their attitudes. They may discover they are simply selfish or trying to run the show their way, or they’ve been expecting something for nothing.

It’s easy to get confused about the difference between planning and projecting – projecting is another term for expectations. There is nothing wrong with making plans. Nothing much can be done without planning. The problems arise when they demand their goals turn out the way they expect them to. They must learn not to demand or count on specific results.

Acceptance

Acceptance is the key. Addicts come to terms with themselves and discover just what they are capable of doing, not what they wish they could do. They need to learn that, like themselves, every other person is doing the best they can. They must recognize that true happiness and satisfaction come through achieving balance and not by anything they do strictly on their own. They must come to terms with the fact that nothing happens to them without a purpose. Everything they do is an opportunity for growth, as long as they are willing to look at it that way.

Recovering persons must learn to look forward to tomorrow without demanding that it be to one’s order and on their terms. Learning to live life on life’s terms is the way!