How Compromise Helps Your Relationship, According to Therapists

Compromise is an essential skill in relationships. It can help you and your partner find a middle ground and resolve conflicts.

Why is compromise important, and should you or shouldn’t you compromise?

What Is Compromise?

When you are in a relationship, chances are you and your partner will have different values, preferences, or habits. For instance, you may have different views on where to go on vacation or what colour to paint the kitchen. These differences can lead to conflict, with each party wanting different things and no easy answer. This is where compromise comes in.

“In a relationship, compromise is an invitation to collaborate with your partner while solving problems,” says Rajeshwari Luther, a Counselling Psychologist at Hope Trust.

It’s not fair for either of you to get your way all the time, so compromise helps ensure that both partners’ views are heard, and a mutually beneficial solution is worked out accordingly.

Compromise entails mutual respect and regard for each other’s feelings and needs, says Rajeshwari. It requires both partners to cooperate and make adjustments to accommodate each other.

Why Compromise Is a Pillar of Healthy Relationships

Compromise is an important tool in relationships because it helps resolve conflicts. If you or your partner cannot compromise and insist on things being done your way, it can lead to repeated conflict, eroding the relationship.

A sign of a healthy relationship is not that you and your partner agree on everything, but that you can compromise and work out your differences mutually and respectfully.

Compromise teaches us that our point of view or desires are only part of the equation in a relationship, says Rajeshwari.

“When we compromise, we validate our partner’s feelings, needs, desires, and aspirations. We are showing them that we respect them, that their needs matter, and that their point of view is valuable—even though it’s different from our own,” she says.

What Are Examples of a Compromise?

These are some examples of compromise in a relationship:

• Planning dates: It’s important to consider each partner’s preferences. For example, if your partner is vegetarian, that could mean checking ahead and only scheduling dates at restaurants with vegetarian options. This may mean you can’t go to your favourite restaurant together because it has no vegetarian options.
• Expressing love: You and your partner may have different love languages. Learning to speak their love language can help them feel loved and cared for, even if it’s different from their preferred method of showing affection. For instance, even if you prefer to express appreciation and love verbally, you can try to be more affectionate with them if they choose to express it physically. This way, they feel loved in their own language.
• Dividing household chores: You and your partner can negotiate how to split up housework. For instance, if you hate washing dishes, you can ask your partner to do it every night, and in return, you always make the dishes after dinner.
• Spending time together: You may prefer to spend your weekends doing outdoor activities, whereas your partner may prefer to catch up with friends and family. You could compromise by running or hiking together on Saturdays and seeing loved ones on Sundays.
• Splitting up the holidays: If both your families are expecting you for the holidays, you and your partner may have to work out a compromise. For instance, you can spend Diwali with your family and Dussehra with theirs.

These are just a few examples of compromise in relationships. In reality, compromise applies to every aspect of a relationship, including managing finances, raising children, planning vacations, participating in activities together, and supporting each other’s careers and goals.

Getting Comfortable With Compromise

If you and your partner are learning how to compromise with one another, these are some steps that can help you get more comfortable with it:

• Have a respectful discussion: The first step is to have a calm and respectful dialogue with your partner, says Vidya Sagar, a clinical psychologist at Hope Trust. “Each of you should express your feelings and viewpoint without interruption.” Tell your partner what you think, want, or expect, and explain why it’s important to you. Listen to what they have to say.
• Acknowledge each other’s feelings: Each partner should acknowledge what they heard their partner say and why it’s important to them, says Dr. Vidya Sagar. Acknowledging their feelings can help them feel seen and heard, even if you disagree with them.
• Be willing to give and take: It’s essential to be willing to give and take. Keep an open mind and be flexible. Only wanting things your way is not conducive to a healthy and happy relationship.
• Look for solutions together: Work with your partner to find a solution. Discuss the pros and cons, and choose the best option for both of you. This may mean doing things your way, their way, or finding another option altogether.
• Make compromises lovingly: Sagar says compromise is a loving gesture, not a punishment or sacrifice. If you compromise on something, do it graciously and lovingly.
• Appreciate your partner’s compromises: Be mindful and appreciative if your partner compromises on something for you.
• Avoid reacting emotionally: You may get angry or upset if things don’t go your way, making things worse. If you can’t reach an agreement immediately and feel frustrated, Sagar recommends stopping, pausing, and thinking before reacting. Step back from the situation and take some time to evaluate your priorities.
• Seek couples therapy: If you and your partner often struggle with conflict and cannot compromise, it may be helpful to go to couples therapy. A couples counsellor can help you discuss your issues and find solutions together.

When You Should (and Shouldn’t) Compromise

Judging when you should and shouldn’t compromise can sometimes be tricky. These are some factors to keep in mind.

When You Should Compromise

You should compromise when:

• The issue is important to your partner: If your partner feels strongly about something and insists it is important, this may be a time to compromise to accommodate them, especially if it doesn’t infringe on your core beliefs or values.
• The compromise is fair: The best solutions involve give and take on both sides to make the compromise fair and equitable. For instance, if you like beach vacations but your partner prefers the mountains, you can pick a place that has both. Though it may not have been your first choice, it’s a reasonable compromise that accommodates your preferences.
• The relationship is balanced: A healthy relationship is one where both partners consider each other’s needs and preferences. Making compromises to accommodate each other can help you and your partner grow closer and strengthen your bond.

When You Shouldn’t Compromise

On the other hand, you shouldn’t compromise when:

• Your core values are being compromised: Avoid compromising on your core values. For example, when deciding which movie to watch, you can compromise and let your partner pick a film they like. However, if your partner wants an open relationship and you don’t, it’s important to clarify your boundaries. If you feel strongly enough about something, it’s worth fighting fairly for it, says Rajeshwari.
• Your boundaries are being violated: Compromise does not extend to boundary violations in a relationship, says Rajeshwari. “If you’re being put down, spoken to inappropriately, or feeling harmed, your mental, physical, and emotional safety come first.”
• You’re the only one compromising: A relationship where only one person makes all the compromises is unhealthy. If you’re the only one making big and small compromises, it may be time to reevaluate your relationship.

It’s important to remember that compromise requires both partners to work together to find a shared definition of happiness. Sometimes, that means giving up something they would prefer individually to move forward together.

Compromise is not to be confused with sacrifice, a solo act done for a partner’s happiness, or a situation where one partner’s giving is disproportionate to the other’s. True compromise involves mutual respect and giving for the betterment of the partnership.

Click www.hopetrustindia.com to book an online or in-person appointment with a therapist.