How to Get Along with Your Mother-In-Law

Getting along with your mother-in-law can be difficult, but it doesn’t have to be.

This information can be helpful to you, whether you’re newly married and just getting to know your mother-in-law or trying to improve a not-so-perfect relationship you’ve had for years.

While the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship is usually considered to be the most complex and sometimes tricky in-law relationship, many of the strategies that our therapists recommend apply to any in-law relationship, regardless of gender.

Making Friends

Make an effort to be courteous and respectful. Get to know your mother-in-law thoroughly before looking for commonalities. For example, if you enjoy gardening and Bollywood, share that hobby and do garden work or watch movies together.

If you live far apart and only see each other only during holidays, your relationship may get strained due to the lack of time spent together. More time spent together can benefit the relationship.

In a study, researchers discovered that a few factors determined the closeness between mothers-in-law (MILs) and their daughters-in-law (DILs). They developed a healthy relationship if MIL thought her DIL was helpful and shared common interests. Their bond grew even stronger when the MIL reported spending more time with her DIL. If the MIL was close to her son and her son was pleased with the bond she shared with his wife, the women would have a close relationship.

According to Rajeshwari Luther, a family therapist at Hope Trust,  if your mother-in-law is initially critical or cold, assume the best and try to understand her point of view. “She may have always been the centre of attention in her son’s life. And you’ve taken her place. Nobody wants to be replaced, excluded, or abandoned.”

Rajeshwari suggests that you compliment her on “the wonderful job she has done raising her son because otherwise, you would not have married him!” Compassion can go a long way. “She will quickly turn from a tiger to a cute purring kitten with a few sincere compliments.”

The Psychology of This Relationship

Regarding the psychology of this type of relationship, remember that your early relationships may have influenced your attachment style. For example, you may struggle with intimacy if you have an avoidant attachment style. This affects your behaviour and emotional reaction to your mother-in-law.

Daughters-in-law frequently complain about their mother-in-law’s criticism and unsolicited advice. Keep in mind that her suggestions could be coming from a good place. Rajeshwari reminds us that she is well acquainted with her son. “Be humble if she criticises your cooking. Request advice or her son’s favourite recipes.Show gratitude because it will make both of you happy. Bite your tongue if she makes passive-aggressive jabs,” she adds. The correct response is always, “We both want him to be happy, successful, and to feel loved.”

That does not imply that there are no boundaries. When possible, compromise with your mother-in-law and respect her priorities, but establishing clear boundaries is still essential. When necessary, draw the line and reduce your stress level.

How to Handle Conflict

When a child is born, it is common for a mother-in-law to assist with childcare. In one study, researchers investigated mother-in-law childcare and perinatal depression in rural India. Researchers discovered that whether a mother-in-law provided a low or high level of childcare at three months postpartum, the daughter-in-law had a lower incidence of depression regardless of family conflict. However, if there was family conflict, even if the mother-in-law provided excellent childcare, the daughter-in-law experienced increased perinatal depression at 12 months.

Instead of fighting, engage in constructive and respectful communication.

Effective communication can lay a solid foundation for feeling relaxed and at ease. Also, if you’re upset about something involving your mother-in-law, talk to your spouse privately.

Disagreements are unavoidable in any relationship, but your mother-in-law may have a different approach to conflict resolution than you do. She may try to avoid conflict at all costs. Perhaps you prefer to confront a problem head-on and discuss it until it is resolved.

You can proceed once you’ve recognised it’s a difference in style. Brush up on common conflict resolution blunders like becoming defensive, blaming the other person, or launching character attacks—work on reaching an agreement with her.

Cognitive reframing requires changes in negative thought patterns. This technique can help you see conflicts with your mother-in-law in a new light.

Developing a Positive Relationship

Empathy is a valuable tool for improving your relationship with your mother-in-law. Try to understand her point of view. This can result in improved communication and a more satisfying relationship.

Pay close attention and concentrate on bonding with your mother-in-law. Share personal stories as well; this can help you both find common ground.

Maybe you’ll never think of her as a second mother, and perhaps she’ll never think of you as her own flesh and blood, but that’s okay.

Strategies for Building a Positive Relationship

Here are some tried-and-true strategies that work:

Validation: Even if you disagree, validate your mother-in-law’s feelings. This can significantly reduce tensions between you both.

Positive reinforcement: Recognising and appreciating her efforts may result in more positive interactions. Positive reinforcement can snowball and eventually improve her behaviour towards you.

Mindfulness: Practising mindfulness can help you manage your reactions and emotions in stressful situations. Instead of reacting impulsively, mindfulness allows you to reflect, breathe, and respond thoughtfully.

You and your mother-in-law can have a fulfilling and harmonious relationship. The benefits of a positive relationship are well worth the effort. A happy relationship will benefit your marriage and make your family’s life more peaceful.

Choose to Be Happy

A snide remark here, border-crossing behaviour there – we’ve all been there. It can be challenging to navigate your in-laws.

You can choose your partner, but you cannot choose their parents. Always remember that your in-laws want the best for their child and have known them for much longer than you. If you begin with mutual respect, you’ve already established the foundation for a healthy in-law relationship.

If there is a conflict, check in with your partner and don’t do anything that could jeopardise your relationship, even if you can’t even be in the same room as your mother-in-law.

If you have a relationship problem, click www.hopetrustindia.com to book an online appointment with a therapist.