Let’s Take A Closer Look at Love
Love is an illusion because it seems to be something we give and receive but cannot buy or sell. However, it is necessary for our survival.
The Beginnings of Love
As children, we require love and belonging to meet our basic needs. Having an adult provides us with food, shelter, and, if we are fortunate, emotional support, which is critical for our physical and emotional development at that time.
Our biology drives us to accept the beliefs of those who can provide us with food and shelter, even if they are not affectionate or healthy, to ensure our physical survival.
As we get older, we become more self-sufficient. It is now safe to question the environment in which we were raised. The anguish of realising we did not receive the love we “needed” can sometimes drive us to make it our life’s work, intentionally or unintentionally, to compensate for that loss.
Where Love’s Need Leads Us
Our subconscious may constantly ask, “How can I find love?” Where do I find love?
On the one hand, there is still a desire to feel loved and accepted. Within the framework of our society, we are interdependent, and our lives are interconnected.
However, if the need to fit in is overemphasised, it can become emotional and, in some cases, physical. It becomes problematic if we cannot set and maintain healthy boundaries for what we will give up in the name of “love.”
We seek confirmation from others that we deservelove rather than reaching within to touch our true selves. We seek validation that we are good, lovable, and deserving of connection. We want something to counteract the pain we feel from not having that message ingrained in us clearly and unmistakably.
We look to the outside world to meet our perceived needs, sometimes due to difficulties with carers and sometimes due to experiences with other types of loss or pain that we were unprepared to handle as children.
However, we were always deserving. Our shortcomings have nothing to do with our children or our parents.
Attachment to Love
According to research, approximately 40% of adults have what is known as ‘insecure attachment.’ This stems from the belief or experience that they do not have the ideal, healthy bond with an adult. Insecure attachment can manifest in various ways, affecting how individuals form and maintain relationships.
These consequences of ‘insecure attachment’ may appear as an obsession, affecting our behaviour and relationships:
- Seeking approval
- Exaggerating or justifying behaviour
- Avoiding intimacy
- Having multiple “enemies”
- Feeling hurt when others prioritise their needs over yours.
In more severe cases, it may manifest as controlling or manipulating another person or as continuing to be in abusive relationships because of “love” or trauma bonding.
A Sound Bond
Learning a foreign language is similar to developing a healthy attachment style. It is not impossible for an adult but far easier for a child.
You may not receive as much external recognition for your achievements as if you were learning a second language. However, recognising your resilience within yourself can be a reward in and of itself if you are aware of the challenges you have faced. And, no matter how unfair it feels to work through it, accepting responsibility for your healing will significantly improve your relationships.
In addition to causing ourselves harm, we may unintentionally project our unmet needs onto others, expecting them to meet them for us. Unknowingly, we may ask someone else to validate our values, resulting in unhealthy codependency. This can manifest in various ways, such as constantly seeking approval or feeling incomplete without the presence of a specific person.
Although we are not to blame for starting this conflict, we must overcome it.
Developing Self-Love
Even though these ideas are relatively simple to understand intellectually, teaching the body, mind, and nervous system that we can develop unbreakable love within ourselves is a profound transformation.
It enables us to discover a deeper meaning of love, strengthens our inner stability, and reveals our true selves.
We rebuild our lives and interpersonal relationships as we learn to let go of subconscious conditioning and break free from the constraints of our deserving beliefs. Our internal world’s foundation requires more attention.
We gain confidence in our acquired knowledge. We see the love that was always inside of us, as well as our resilience and strength. As our inner peace grows, we are naturally drawn to live more freely and authentically on the outside.
Who are we when we realise we already have all the love we need? How do we want others to change so that we can love them without being so controlling?
Being self-sufficient and accepting love as an inherent part of ourselves does not preclude us from feeling a loving connection and a sense of belonging. It might open the door to more profound relationships than we ever imagined.
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