My alcoholism was a spiritual disease

I had been drinking for over a decade. As my alcoholism progressed, it started affecting all areas of my life. I fell ill frequently, often got injured in small accidents. My relationships with my parents, spouse and my lovely children were very strained, though at that time I did blame them. I lost jobs, but somehow always managed to get a new one every time.

During my active addiction, I never hesitated to lie, sometimes cheat, always manipulated and often conned people to either get or hide my booze.

I had this underlying feeling that I was different from other common folk. That I am more intelligent, knowledgeable, smarter. Different in a superior sort of way.

I also lost contact with God. Though I did ‘pray’, it was mainly to ask for things or to save my skin. There was huge guilt and shame that created a barrier between me and God.

Drinking made me comfortable in my darkness and kept the light away. I am sure God heard my prayers, but I was not listening for solutions. I couldn’t save myself from myself. Drinking seemed to allow the darkness to stay in my life, and blocked the light.

The continued pain and emptiness of my soul was terrifying. I tried to calm it with alcohol. And by putting on a brave, grandiose face. Hiding all the feelings of worthlessness behind a mask of care-a-damn attitude. Being ‘cool’ in the face of rising and persistent fears.

Alcoholism destroyed my relationships

Alcohol made me incapable of processing feelings. Nothing seemed to affect me – my parents’ fears and helplessness, my wife’s shame and breakdowns, my kids’ emotional distress – I was on a roller-coaster where nothing mattered. I had ruined all connections with others.

The only emotions I felt were deep inside – mostly a mix of anger and fear.

Was I human? Humans feel for others. They empathise, share, are capable of putting themselves in others’ shoes. They are able to acknowledge the feelings others are experiencing, at least to a large extent. I realized that normal people make sacrifices – for the sake of others. They willing give up somethings to make others happy.

I sacrificed alcohol and reclaimed my life

So, I decided to sacrifice. To give up my most loved thing – booze.

I realized that I could not do it on my own. After all my own thinking had got me here. Obviously, I couldn’t rely on my own booze-soaked brain. I needed someone to help me, give direction, hold my hand on a slippery, scary slope.

I asked my family to check me into a rehab. I was fortunate to get into a good rehab – Hope Trust. The professional, experienced counsellors guided me through the initial process. I began to take baby steps.

My spiritual journey at an alcohol rehab

At the rehab, I was told that addiction is a bio-psycho-socio disease. That means, it affects the body, mind and relationships.

My counsellor, however, added another part to the definition – spiritual. He said it erodes the ethical or value system. I had become a selfish, self-centred, manipulative person – hard facts to digest about myself.

I realized the spiritual aspect of my alcoholism at the rehab. The skilful therapist kept prodding me to get honest – with my life and emotions. Initially, it was difficult, but got easier as I made a shift from unseen denial patterns to really facing myself. Then I had to make further sacrifices – surrender my old thinking and behaviour patterns and learn new ones. My attitude began to change. As I looked at my life, a measure of humility came in, I began to re-connect with God. Now there was no fog, no shame, no ego between God and me.

With that my journey in sobriety started at the rehab. It had many ups and downs, but the feeling that I had surrendered my obsession gave me a new sense of freedom and purpose. I became capable of feeling for others. I could empathise and identify. Hope replaced fear. Shame and regret were replaced with acceptance.

As my body, mind and relationships healed, my value system was restored. I was feeling gratitude to the rehab and my therapists – a feeling I hadn’t felt for a long time for anyone. I was on my way to becoming a human, again!

– R Shah, Surat