Strategies for Helping Addicts and Alcoholics to Get the Help they Need

Some of these strategies for helping addicts are more about you than they are about the addict themselves. Taking care of yourself, setting an excellent example of healthy living, and showing essential support are probably nine-tenths of the battle. The rest are just details. But, the details might lead to a breakthrough, so it is worth exploring them. Taking action gives us hope when fighting to save our friends or loved ones from this disease.

Here are a few strategies you might try to help the addict or alcoholic in your life:

• Help them hit bottom faster (do not rescue them)
• Make an ultimatum
• Stop reacting and detach
• Put your own self-care and sanity first

There is some overlap here. You might use more than one strategy at a time. Let’s dig deeper and closely examine each one:

Help them hit “bottom” faster

The most direct route to helping struggling addicts hit bottom faster is to stop enabling them. This is done by setting clear boundaries and sticking to them.

Some people might get the wrong idea here and think they have to take action to make the alcoholic’s life worse. This is not necessary. What has to happen is that you have to remove support from their drinking or drug use. That is all. If they are truly an addict and you are one of the only people enabling them, this will quickly bring about change.

The problem is when other people are also helping the addict or alcoholic. If this is the case, you should seek to educate these other people. If you all have a common interest in seeing the addict recover, you should band together and vow never to enable the addict again. Of course, this does not always work because many people do not think they are promoting but instead believe they are helping. Educating them can be done quickly if you can convince them to attend Al-anon groups.

Then there is the question of “outing” the alcoholic or addict. Say they work where they care for other people or are regularly driving, and you know they are frequently intoxicated or under the influence. What do you do then? Do you tell their superiors, get them in trouble, and probably fired? Do you do this for their safety? For the safety of others? For both? Or will doing so create too much resentment and backfire on you?

Taking drastic action and “outing” someone like this should never be done lightly. In some cases, if someone is truly out of control AND they are endangering other’s lives, then there are cases where you should make the bold move and involve their superiors or the authorities. But realize what price that comes at. Fierce resentment is the only possible reaction at first. Perhaps later, the addict will realize that you acted in their best interest, but do not expect that type of reasoning when you first call them out and get them into big trouble.

Because the reaction and the level of resentment can be so great, I would not recommend “outing” someone until you have exhausted all options AND discussed the idea with at least two other people. If others disagree with the idea, then you might seek further counsel. Bring it to an Al-anon meeting, even if you have never been to one. Tell the story, describe your plan, and see what the group thinks. There is much wisdom in a group discussion of that nature, and it could help to steer you towards the right decision.

You may think that you can predict where an addict’s bottom is. In truth, sometimes, it is much lower than we first suspect. Remember that many who struggle with addiction have to lose everything before they take action to fix their life. For example, you might think, “Ah, now they have lost their job.” “Surely they will go to rehab now.” They may be ten years or more away from giving rehab a shot. You never know.

In such cases, your most powerful weapons are your boundaries. Decide what you will and will not put up with in terms of their addiction, and then stick to it. Focus on your personal growth and independence so that you are strong enough to take care of yourself if they spiral out of control. Never allow yourself to hope with all your might that they will change someday without taking action to protect yourself first.

When you focus on yourself and your growth and gain strength, you can set strict boundaries that have a chance at modifying their behaviour. Remember, without any consequences, they will not change a thing. Become strong enough to set healthy limits and even walk away from the relationship if necessary. They are most likely to hit bottom when you can withdraw all support and focus on your growth. The idea is not to punish the alcoholic for getting sober.

The idea is to decide what you will not live with and then build your strength to follow through.

If you bear the brunt of an addict’s addiction, you probably have the most power to change it. You can’t have a magic wand, but you can stop enabling them. In many cases, this will involve more than the threat of leaving–it may very well include leaving.

Most codependent people will say that this is impossible for them to do, or they will argue that they could never bring themselves to do it, and so on. But sometimes, it might be the best way forward and even lead to a stronger relationship. Hitting bottom rarely happens when your spouse is still standing by your side, doing whatever they can to hold the relationship together. No, hitting bottom happens when your spouse has left, and you have little to celebrate. That is the moment of despair that can produce real change.

Give an ultimatum

At some point in your relationship with an addict or alcoholic, you might choose to make an ultimatum. Things may have progressed to a point where you are at your wit’s end, and you cannot see yourself continuing to live in this state of chaos any longer. You want relief. You want resolution. You want the madness to stop.

So you might play with the idea of making an ultimatum with the addict or alcoholic in your life. It will almost always be, “You quit, or I leave the relationship.” A slight variation on this is “you go to rehab, or I leave the relationship.”

One of the problems with making ultimatums is that most people who make them do not intend to follow through with them. It is not so much about what the addict decides to do. It is about you and your follow-through.

Do not issue an ultimatum unless you can live with either outcome. Never make a hollow threat with the idea that you might bully someone into taking action.

Ultimatums always work. They always resolve the issue. But this is only true if you follow through and stick to your new boundaries. If you are threatening to try and get them to stop drinking or using drugs, then the ultimatum will not work.

Ask yourself: “Are you willing to walk away from this person for good?” “Are you willing to sever all ties with them should they continue their addiction?” Do not make an ultimatum if you are unwilling to go to that extreme and walk away from it all. Doing so will likely make things worse in the long run.

The next question is: “Should you make an ultimatum?” I would base this on your level of sanity and peace in your life. How much are you sacrificing due to this other person’s addiction? How much has it compromised your serenity to keep living with the madness of addiction or alcoholism? And most importantly, is there a compelling reason for the addict to suddenly change their life, especially if you are still supporting them and staying by their side? In other words, is your hope a desperate one? If it is, an ultimatum might bring you the relief you deserve.

In many cases, the addict will not be willing to get help if they can maintain the status quo and continue to self-medicate while enjoying peace of mind from your relationship with them. So many addicts and alcoholics have to “lose everything” before they are willing to ask for help for their addiction. This frequently means they must lose their close relationships, among other things. An ultimatum is a sure way to bring this decision to a head.

You are essentially saying, “I am no longer willing to be with you if you are not clean sober. Change now or I am leaving. Please choose.”

Don’t say this unless you can walk away from it all. That is the crucial boundary that will make it all work, regardless of their decision. If you were not ready to leave, then chances are good that subsequent actions and behaviours (on both of your parts) would lead to a quick relapse anyway.

Stop reacting and detach

This can be a powerful strategy, especially if you live with the addict or alcoholic and deal with them regularly. The idea is that you should stop reacting to them.

How does this work? The natural inclination is almost always to blow up at the addict when they get into trouble, lose control due to their drug or alcohol use, or generally screw up and make a fool of themselves. Our natural reaction is to yell, scream, argue, blow up, and react to the unacceptable nature of their addiction.

We believe that if we do not react to the addict, we condone the behaviour. If we do not get angry and blow up at their shenanigans, we are “letting them off the hook.” And we feel that if we do not get mad at them and let them know this, it will only encourage them to keep using and abusing drugs and alcohol. But, of course, this line of thinking is a trap. Why?

Because when you blow up at the addict in your life, you are actually giving them an out. To some extent, you shift the focus away from them and toward yourself.

How does this happen? Because when you blow up at them, now they have a target. YOU are the one who is upset with them. YOU are the one yelling at them and adding to the confusion. Yes, they may have made mistakes due to drug or alcohol abuse, which has caused them problems, but now YOU yell at them, allowing them to shift their focus.

The best thing for an addict or alcoholic is to examine their actions. To see themselves for what they have truly become. If they get a DUI and land in jail, let them sit there where they are forced to examine their situation. When you get into a yelling match about their addiction, it is no longer about their addiction. Now it is about the relationship. It is about the yelling competition. It is about anything except their need to self-medicate.

So, a key strategy is not to react when these critical moments arise. Let the alcoholic turn their rage into self-examination. Do not give them an out if they try to drag you into a fight. Stand above the war, and force them to examine their feelings and the core of their addiction.

Not reacting to chaos takes practice. This is not about being a doormat. You still have boundaries and limits. But the idea is that you will no longer let their addiction turn into a yelling match that deflects them from having to look closely at themselves and their own lives and what a mess it has become.

Rise above the addiction, and do not let it affect you. The addict will be surprised when you do not react. They will be confused when they cannot drag your emotions into their chaos and thus shift the focus off of themselves.

Sooner or later, if you do not react to their addiction, they will have to face it for once. And that could produce real change.

Put your self-care and sanity first

Perhaps this is the most critical strategy and also the one that is the least intuitive. What does caring for yourself have to do with helping the addict or alcoholic in your life to become clean and sober?

There are several benefits to putting your sanity and personal growth first:

Setting an example

When you put your own health and personal growth first as being the essential thing in your life, then you help to set an example for the alcoholic or the addict that you are trying to influence. Please do not make the mistake of thinking that they do not notice your growth, progress, or success.

The addict may feel trapped due to their addiction and secretly think they could never enjoy a better life as you have, but this can still impact them and eventually help lead them to change. In other words, it is worth trying to set a good example, even if the addict does not believe they could ever attain it.

One obvious example of this has to do with drug and alcohol use itself. If you want a friend or loved one to be clean and sober, you should not use drugs or alcohol around them. Ever. Doing so sets a bad example and “gives them permission” to indulge. It seems obvious enough, but how many people miss the boat on this one is incredible. They reason that they do not have a problem, and the addict does, so why should they curtail their drug or alcohol use to help someone? Trust me, it makes a massive difference if you are in contact with the addict, and if you are not setting an example of sobriety, then you could be part of the problem.

Addicts who hang around with other addicts and alcoholics will eventually believe that chaos and addiction are normal. For every person in their life who lives healthy and sober, it helps to smash this illusion and moves them a bit closer to rationality. A bit indirect but still very important. Be the example of health and stability that you want for the addict in your life.

Achieving emotional balance and stability for yourself

The closer your relationship is with the addict, the more you need to focus on emotional health and stability for yourself. This is especially important if the chaos from their addiction affects you negatively regularly and causes you tremendous amounts of stress.

It would be best to find a way to protect yourself from their chaos and become more emotionally healthy. You do this by practising detachment, becoming a stronger person yourself, and seeking support from others. If you struggle with the emotional aspect of dealing with their addiction, we would strongly recommend that you try Al-anon.

Achieving emotional health is important from an indirect standpoint. While not directly causing anyone to get clean and sober, being emotionally stable gives you the foundation to better deal with the addict or alcoholic in your life. In addition, you will be happier in your personal life if your emotions are on a more even keel. Therefore, you should strive for emotional stability for yourself and deal with the addict in your life.

Becoming healthy enough to enforce boundaries

When you become a stronger person in your own path of growth, you get to a point where you can make the types of decisions that may have an impact on addiction and alcoholism. For example, if you are codependent with the addict in your life, it is probably the case that you could push them closer to sobriety if you could set healthy boundaries. Doing so requires you to work on yourself, become stronger and more independent, recognize your unhealthy limitations, and then take action to do something about it.

But the key here is that even if you have an awareness of how you are being codependent, it does no good unless you are healthy enough and strong enough to correct the behaviour.

You may identify codependency in counselling by sharing in Al-anon meetings or discussing your relationship with others. But then you have to take action and fix the problem. You can only do this by first making personal growth in your own life. You can only overcome codependency by becoming healthier and independent yourself.

Becoming strong enough to enforce healthy boundaries does not happen by accident. You will need help. It will take deliberate action on your part, and hard work. But the result is a healthier you, a healthier relationship, and perhaps the start of pushing an addict towards real change.

Rising above the chaos and live the best life you can

If you commit yourself to personal growth and healthier living, then good things will start to happen in your life, regardless of whether or not the addict in your life decides to get help.

If you make detachment and personal growth your priority, then you put yourself in the best position to “weather the storm” if the addict continues in their addiction. Still, you also put yourself in the best position to help them if they decide to change.

Detachment takes practice. Self-improvement takes real work and genuine effort. If this stuff were easy to do, the results would not be worthwhile.

The fact is that this is an opportunity for you to push yourself to become stronger and healthier. Use it as an opportunity. Dealing with another person’s addiction can become a gift if you use it as an incentive to become stronger. Some day you may look back and say, “Look at how much I have grown because I had to learn how to cope with addiction in my life.” It may not be what you asked for, but you can still make the best of it and become a stronger and healthier person.

Commit to personal growth and a healthier life for yourself!

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