The Invisible Cost of Growth and Healing

How personal development affects relationships and how to help others adjust

Growth and healing are empowering, but they can also bring loneliness, an aspect that is rarely acknowledged.

This loneliness emerges when your growth creates distance in relationships. Realising that familiar connections now feel different is often a sign of progress, though it can be difficult to accept.

Getting old is inevitable; growth is optional

Your relationships begin to change as you mature, sometimes in unexpected ways. All of a sudden, you’re changing while others aren’t, and this awkward distance results. The jokes aren’t as funny as they used to be. Discussions seem a bit off. Additionally, you may not feel in sync with the people you used to interact with.

This is because growth alters not only who you are but also how you relate to others. Perhaps instead of holding your tongue or hesitating where you once jumped right in, you’re speaking up now. Things can start to fall apart because of those old dynamics.

Eric Berne’s Transactional Analysis examines how unspoken, repetitive “games” play a central role in relationships in his groundbreaking 1964 book Games People Play. TA explores the underlying dynamics of our everyday interactions and reveals how we adopt recurring roles such as victim, fixer, joker, or carer.

These “games” of relationships become so embedded that they seem normal, even consoling. However, healing or growth has a way of upending the status quo, challenging the unwritten rules that others have grown accustomed to, and pushing beyond their comfort zone.

You’re not only changing yourself when you begin to break free from these roles (or game rules), whether through therapy, introspection, or personal development; you’re also changing the rules of those “games.” In the middle of a game, it’s like flipping the board.

To better understand these roles and interactions, let’s examine a few examples:

• Perhaps you’ve always been the one to mediate conflicts, maintain harmony, or stand by everyone else in your family. This eventually turns into an unwritten agreement or unspoken rule. You may feel appreciated because others rely on you to keep the peace. However, when you begin to ask for what you need or refuse to shoulder other people’s burdens. It stirs things up. This may seem frightening or even dangerous to people who have depended on you. “But we’ve been playing that other game, what is happening?” they may ask. They may also accuse you of losing interest.
• Consider a friendship in which you have consistently made jokes about the ridiculousness or needlessness of romantic relationships. Intimacy and marriage are completely ridiculous. However, as you develop and mature, you begin to value intimacy and realise that those jokes might have been your way of avoiding it. The way you talk to your friend feels different now. You no longer agree, and by changing your viewpoint, you are breaching an unspoken agreement that has long characterised your relationship. They may not feel secure or at ease with that change.
• Consider the situation of siblings: one is known as the “successful one,” while the other is known as the “one who needs help.” The successful sibling may provide guidance, fill in when necessary, or reaffirm their position as the “capable” sibling. However, the balance of power shifts when the sibling who “needs help” begins to become independent. The change may cause the “successful” sibling to feel lost or even betrayed.
• Romantic relationships exhibit similar trends. Your healing may feel like rejection to them if you have been insecurely attached—over-giving, seeking approval, or afraid of abandonment. They may accuse you of no longer loving or caring for them because they think your new, healthier ways of relating are “detachment.”

The parties in each example engage in an implicit game. There are rules for these games that maintain stability. Emotions and interactions begin to change when one of the roles is disrupted.

Why do individuals oppose change, even when it is beneficial?

Familiarity is the foundation of long-lasting relationships. The predictable rhythms, the unwritten rules. It gives them a sense of stability. However, healing and growth are like moving furniture around the living room without anyone noticing. All of a sudden, everyone is stumbling over the coffee table, and the couch is somewhere new.

This may be unnerving to those around you. They are forced to face changes they may not be prepared for by your growth. Resistance arises because change is uncomfortable (and sometimes strange), not because the individuals are bad people. They are accustomed to the version of you that follows the plot exactly. They are accustomed to you as you were.

They don’t know how to relate to the new you as you’re rewriting the rules. Although you may not have undergone a complete transformation, even minor adjustments to your interactions, routines, or choices can give the impression that you have.

Your new patterns introduce uncertainty. Even a healthier pattern can disrupt the sense of stability that people value.

How can you balance personal growth with relationship changes?

You can grow with your relationships, which is good news. However, it’s crucial to take your time severing ties with someone who impedes your progress.

Begin by reflecting honestly. With your relationships, what roles have you been playing? Which unwritten rules have influenced your social interactions? What potential effects might the modifications you’ve undergone have on those regulations?

You can start dealing with these patterns as soon as you identify them. To do this, you must clearly express your needs, boundaries, what is changing for you, why the old patterns are no longer effective, and how you hope to connect going forward.

For instance:

“Instead of me taking the lead all the time, I would like us to share the planning responsibilities.”

“I may not always agree just to keep the peace like I used to because I’ve been working on being more assertive.”

“Maybe we could choose a day every week to catch up; I want us to spend more purposeful time together.”

“I’ve been putting my mental health first, so you might notice that I’m not attending as many social events as I used to.”

Present these discussions as requests rather than demands. “Hey,” you’re saying, “this is where I am, and I would really like for us to work this out together.” This strategy demonstrates your appreciation for their opinions and willingness to work together.

By including them in the process, you can mitigate the change:

“I am aware that this feels unique. What are your thoughts on it?

“Do you have any suggestions for how we can adapt? I’m still working this out, too.”

“I cherish our relationship and would like for us to help one another more. Can we discuss how to accomplish that?

At the same time, avoid going into too much detail. Seeking validation for your development and the adjustments you’re making may lead to arguments regarding their legitimacy. Don’t compromise yourself in an attempt to persuade others; instead, share what feels genuine and authentic.

How therapy transforms you

Therapy reveals your true self by helping you move beyond expectations, trauma, and old survival strategies. In a supportive and private setting, you examine your past and present to gain clarity and foster personal growth.

As you heal, you become more authentic and express your core self more freely. Others notice this visible change—in reality, it’s you finally living as your true self.

Whereas you once tried to please everyone, you now set boundaries with clarity and kindness.

Whereas you used to react in fear, you now respond with choice.

You gravitate toward healthier relationships, authentic pursuits, and a life that reflects your values.

People used to your old patterns may feel unsettled. But this is not about losing yourself; it is about reclaiming your true self—therapy guides you home to who you truly are.

Accepting the result

Not everyone will keep up as you grow. Some will change alongside you, while others may need time to process your development.

Respecting others’ reactions to your growth strengthens your relationships. Growth should be seen as an invitation to deeper authenticity, not a demand. When people stop pretending, connections become stronger and more genuine.

However, some individuals are unable or unwilling to keep up with the pace. They may be unwilling to meet your needs, make concessions, or adapt to the new circumstances. Although it can be challenging, letting go of these relationships is a crucial step in the process of personal growth.

Cutting ties is not the first step. Growth requires reflection and openness. Only when it’s clear a relationship no longer benefits either person, ending it is an act of respect.

Grieving past roles or relationships is a natural and often a necessary step, leading to further growth. Grief isn’t failure; it shows deep connections and signals readiness for what’s ahead.

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