The Liberating Truth: You Cannot Change Other People (And Shouldn’t Try To)

You’ve been there: lying awake, formulating the ideal argument in your head, withholding advice that you believe would help someone, burdened down by irritation, concern, and hope. You keep thinking, “If only they would change, everything would be better.”

It could be your always-late partner, a cynical friend, a parent who doesn’t understand your decisions, or a colleague who takes over every meeting. Seeing their potential, you decide to become the architect of their development.

But here’s the most important thing you should know: you can’t alter other people, and any attempt to do so will fail. This fact is liberating, but sometimes difficult to accept.

The desire to change people in our lives is a universal and futile endeavour. Trying to transform others only leads to disappointment and drains your energy. To understand why, it’s helpful to look in the mirror: the urge to change others usually reflects a personal need for safety, comfort, or affirmation.

Perhaps their disorganisation aggravates your own deep-seated fear of disorder. Their emotional reserve makes you feel neglected because your love language is expressive. Their risk aversion appears to be a criticism of your bold decisions. When you try to adjust them, you are usually attempting to calm a part of yourself.

As renowned psychologist Carl Jung famously stated, “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” That irritant is a flashing arrow pointing directly at your own unresolved traumas, anxieties, and limitations.

We also attempt to influence people because we confuse love with ownership. We fall into the trap of assuming that because we care about someone, we have the right to control how they live their lives. We regard their “flaws” as problems that we must solve. This isn’t love; it’s emotional imperialism, in which we colonise someone’s individuality in the name of compassion.

The Unchanging Tapestry of a Person

Now evaluate the person you want to change. They are not a blank slate awaiting your inscription. They are a living, breathing tapestry constructed over decades with strands you have never seen.

They are born with a unique genetic code, which determines whether they are introverted or extroverted, optimistic or cautious, and is as basic as their eye colour.

They are fashioned by an upbringing you did not experience, including laughs at dinner tables you never joined, scars you never saw, and parental voices you never heard. Each victory and defeat shaped their confidence and perspective.

They are shaped by a cultural exposure that defines their normal—their ideas about time, communication, family, and success may be radically different from yours.

The ancient Stoic philosopher Epictetus recognised this loss of control. He put it this way: “Make the best use of what is in your power, and take the rest as it happens.” The thoughts and behaviours of others define “the rest.” They are beyond your power. Thinking against the flow is like fighting the flood.

When you attempt to remove a person’s core layers, you are not asking for a minor alteration. You’re asking them to demolish the basic structure of their soul. It is an act of severe invalidation. You are effectively saying, “The person you have become through a lifetime of experience is not good enough for me.”

The Path to Fulfilment: Appreciation, Adjustment, and Authenticity

If attempts to change others are hopeless, what is the solution? The core point is that growth comes from realising you cannot alter others but can appreciate, adapt, and retain your own identity in relationships. This isn’t apathy or resignation; it leads to fulfilment for everyone involved.

1. Value the Difference

Instead of dismissing your partner’s meticulousness as “nitpicking,” consider it a counterpoint to your own spontaneity. Instead of perceiving your friend’s skepticism as “negative,” may you see it as a prism that can help you in spotting hazards you might overlook. Relationship differences are not problems, but rather features. Yes, they cause friction, but they also create growth. They drive you out of your own echo chamber.

Rumi, the Persian poet, wonderfully described this centuries ago: “The wound is the place where the light enters you.” Friction points with others are frequently our greatest instructors. They shed light on our own rigidities and blind spots.

2. Adjust, Do Not Demand

This is the active part of acceptance. You cannot change their fundamental nature, but you can alter your reaction to it. Here is where your true power lies.

You can make adjustments if your companion is consistently late. You can carry a book, set aside buffer time, or travel separately for time-sensitive events. You are not condoning the lateness; you are refusing to let it disrupt your tranquility.

If your acquaintance is a chronic complainer, you can change the discussion. You can listen for a predetermined amount of time before gently pivoting with, “That sounds so difficult. What’s one small thing that did go well today?” You are limiting your exposure to negativity without conducting a full-fledged personality assessment.

As contemporary psychologist and author Dr. Harriet Lerner puts it, “When we stop attempting to change another person, we can begin to connect with them.” And connection is the only thing that ever truly transforms someone. Change occurs as a result of feeling protected, seen, and accepted, rather than being attacked.

3. Maintain Your Identity

Finally, remember to maintain your identity. While adapting in relationships, stay true to your own needs and boundaries. Doing this preserves individuality while encouraging genuine connection.

Adjusting to others does not mean losing yourself. You can respect your friend’s views without adopting them and balance routines while keeping your needs clear.

Maintaining your identity entails understanding and communicating your boundaries. “I love you, and I can’t have yelling conversations with you. If that happens, I’ll need to go for a stroll and cool off.” This is not an attempt to change the other person; rather, it is a statement about how you will care for yourself while in the partnership. It is the distinction between yelling, “You are too loud!” and stating, “I need some quiet now.”

The Freedom to Grow Individually and Together

When you let go of the weight of changing people, something amazing happens: you make room. Allow them to be themselves. There is space for you to be yourself. And in that openness, true growth may occur—both personally and collaboratively.

You allow them to evolve on their own terms, guided by their own desires rather than your demands. And you allow yourself to focus on the only person you can actually change: yourself. You can direct all of the energy you expended on others towards your own development, passions, and peace.

Your relationships shift from noisy construction sites to peaceful gardens, with each person growing alongside the other but keeping their individuality.

So, the next time you feel the typical temptation to mend, mould, or correct someone you care about, wait. Take a breath. Consider whether this is for their benefit or for your own comfort:Can I see this difference as part of the full person I care about? How can I alter my sails to manage this while staying on my own course?

Let go of the impulse to fix others. Admire who they are. True connection grows from accepting people as they are.

How Therapy Can Help You

Wanting to change a partner or friend often arises from pain, fear, or unmet needs but can lead to resentment and power struggles.

A skilled therapist helps clients recognise that genuine relationship fulfillment comes from self-discovery rather than controlling others. By validating feelings, teaching new skills, and empowering change, therapists transform frustration into acceptance and healthier connections.

Click www.hopetrustindia.com to schedule an online appointment with a therapist.