What Emotionally Intelligent Parents Avoid Doing in Front of Their Kids

Parenting isn’t just providing meals, help with homework, or shelter—it is a daily act of shaping the emotional world of a future adult. Every moment and response builds your child’s inner foundation.

Children are extraordinary observers of life. They absorb your actions and presence, not just your words. This is why emotionally intelligent parents are attuned to their emotions and those of their children.

What is emotional intelligence in parenting?

Emotional intelligence (EI), a concept popularised by psychologist Daniel Goleman, consists of five major components:

• Recognise your emotions through self-awareness
• Self-regulation involves managing impulses and emotional reactions
• Motivation: Prioritising long-term goals over short-term feelings
• Empathy involves understanding others’ emotions
• Social skills for maintaining healthy relationships.

Emotionally intelligent parents consistently demonstrate these characteristics. They are self-aware enough to pause before responding. They regulate rather than repress. They use empathy to comprehend their child’s viewpoint. They also serve as role models for social intelligence by being kind, patient, and respectful.

Parenting through emotional intelligence does not imply being soft or permissive; instead, it requires being mindful and intentional in one’s approach. It’s knowing when to lead and when to listen, when to speak and when to sit beside your child in silence.

Emotional intelligence (EQ) in parenting isn’t about being flawless or endlessly serene. It’s about the courage to be aware—to recognise your emotions as they arise, to truly understand your child’s experience, and to choose thoughtful responses over knee-jerk reactions.

When parents model emotional intelligence, they equip their children with the tools to regulate their emotions, communicate effectively, and develop empathy for others. These children grow up feeling secure, confident, and resilient.

However, emotional intelligence frequently manifests itself in the absence of parental intervention. Emotional intelligence often shows in what parents don’t do. It may go unseen, but its impact is strongest during heightened emotions. This is particularly evident when parents are in front of their children, as well as in the constructive actions they choose instead.

They don’t lose emotional control

Emotionally intelligent parents understand that children learn more from what they see than what they hear. Emotionally intelligent parents know that children learn more from example than instruction. Losing their cool teaches that anger is a normal response to frustration. “I’m frustrated right now, so I’m going to take a moment.”

This teaches people that emotions are to be understood and managed, rather than suppressed or repressed.

Research indicates that emotionally regulated parents lead to better stress management, lower anxiety, and healthier relationships for their children in later life.

Transitioning from emotional regulation, another key area is how emotionally intelligent parents handle discipline and communication about mistakes.

Emotionally intelligent parents understand that shame does not teach; instead, it wounds.

They do not say, “Why can’t you be more like your sister?” or “You’re so lazy.” These phrases may seem innocent. They avoid saying, “Why can’t you be like your sister?” or “You’re lazy.” These words may seem harmless, but they plant lasting insecurity. Identity —a negative one.

They use language that distinguishes between who the child is and what the child has done. For example:”That wasn’t a great choice, but I know you can do better next time.”

This balance of accountability and empathy encourages children to develop self-esteem and the courage to strive. This blend of responsibility and empathy enables children to build self-esteem and the courage to improve.

A scraped knee, a misplaced toy, or a friend who refused to share—these may appear insignificant to an adult, but to a child, they are primary emotions.

They recognise that emotional validation is one of the most profound expressions of love. Instead, they say something like:

• “That looks like it really hurt.”
• “You seem sad—want to tell me what happened?”

By validating emotions, parents help children develop emotional literacy—the ability to recognise and process feelings rather than suppress them.

In addition to individual interactions, emotionally intelligent parents are mindful of how they relate to others in their children’s presence.

Children are like emotional sponges. When they hear one parent criticise the other, or when they witness gossip, cynicism, or contempt, they become confused and lose their sense of security.

Emotionally intelligent parents refrain from engaging in harsh arguments or negative conversations about others in front of their children. They know that children internalise both what is said and how it is said.

Rather than attacking, they demonstrate respectful disagreement:”Your father and I see things differently, and that’s fine. We’ll discuss it later.”

This approach teaches that conflict can be resolved calmly and constructively. It also promotes a sense of stability and respect in the home.

Another area in which emotionally intelligent parents are mindful is avoiding comparisons between their children and others.

Comparison depletes one’s self-esteem. When parents say things like “Look how well your cousin plays the piano” or “Your brother never gets grades like this,” children learn that love and approval are conditional on their performance.

Emotionally intelligent parents understand that each child is on a unique journey. They value effort and character over comparison.

Rather than saying,”You should be more like her,” they say, “I’m proud of how hard you worked.”

This subtle shift fosters intrinsic motivation—the desire to perform well for personal satisfaction, rather than just approval. Children raised this way are more likely to become confident adults who do not seek external validation.

Emotionally intelligent parents never pretend to be perfect

Emotionally intelligent parents are at ease saying, “I was wrong,” or “I shouldn’t have said that.”

They understand that authenticity, not perfection, is the goal.

Admitting mistakes shows children that errors are a normal part of being human.

This honesty fosters accountability and humility, both essential components of emotional maturity.For example:”I lost my temper earlier, and I should not have. I apologise. I’ll try to do better next time.

This type of vulnerability promotes trust. It demonstrates to children that love does not fade in the face of such vulnerability. Such vulnerability builds trust. Children see that love endures imperfection and that growth matters more than image.

Many parents unintentionally pass on their own anxieties to their children:

• “Be careful—you’ll hurt yourself!”
• “Don’t take that risk—it’s too dangerous.”
• “You’re not really good at that, are you sure you want to try?”

Emotionally intelligent parents break the cycle

They recognise that excessive protectiveness can undermine a child’s confidence and sense of independence.

They recognise that overprotection can erode a child’s confidence and independence.

They want their children to feel capable and brave, not timid or burdened.

They empower their children to live courageously by confronting their own emotional baggage rather than passing it down to them.

Finally, emotionally intelligent parents are conscious not to use love as a means of leverage or a bargaining tool in their parenting.

One of the most subtle but damaging emotional mistakes a parent can make is making love feel conditional—offered when the child behaves well, withheld when they fail.

Emotionally intelligent parents never say things like, “You make me so angry that I can’t even look at you,” or “If you loved me, you’d listen.”

These phrases teach children that affection is a transaction.

Instead, they express unwavering love while establishing boundaries:”I don’t like what you did, but I always love you.”

This compassionate firmness gives children security while making consequences clear. It lays the foundation for a healthy attachment style where love is secure and consistent.

What children learn from emotionally intelligent parents

When children grow up in a home that values emotional intelligence, several long-term patterns emerge:

• Emotional literacy: Ability to identify and manage feelings effectively
• Resilience: They handle setbacks with confidence
• Empathy fosters kindness and understanding, leading to positive interactions with others
• Secure attachment: Children feel safe, loved, and emotionally grounded
• Improved relationships: They maintain healthy communication habits throughout adulthood.

In essence, emotionally intelligent parenting provides children with clear lifelong advantages: emotional awareness, empathy, resilience, secure relationships, and healthier communication. These are the key takeaways for building character and promoting positive behaviour.

The Buddhist Lens: Mindfulness and Parenting

In Buddhism, mindfulness (sati) refers to the practice of being fully present and aware of one’s thoughts, emotions, and surroundings without judgment. This is something that emotionally intelligent parents naturally embody.

When a child throws a tantrum, the mindful parent labels it as “bad behaviour” rather than suffering. The child is overwhelmed by a strong emotion and lacks the necessary tools to manage it.

Rather than reacting, the mindful parent responds compassionately: “I see you are upset. I am here with you.” The key takeaway is that mindful parenting transforms conflict into moments of connection and learning, equipping children with the tools to manage strong emotions.

This does not imply that the parent indulges in the behaviour; instead, they remain focused. They ground themselves in presence, transforming moments of chaos into opportunities for connection.

Thích NhấtHạnh said it beautifully: “If you plant lettuce and it doesn’t grow well, don’t blame the lettuce. You look for reasons—perhaps it requires more water or less sunlight.”

Blaming never helps. Nurturing works.

Emotionally intelligent parents follow the same philosophy: rather than blaming, they seek to understand.

Practical approaches to developing emotional intelligence as a parent

Even if you weren’t raised in this manner, emotional intelligence is something you can develop. Here are a few mindful practices to help strengthen it:

• Wait a moment before reacting
• If your child misbehaves, take three slow breaths before responding. It transforms your reaction from emotional to intentional
• Name your emotions aloud
• Try saying, “I’m feeling stressed” or “I’m a bittired right now.” This promotes self-awareness and teaches your child emotional vocabulary.

Validate first, guide later

Before correcting the behaviour, validate the feeling.

“I see you’re upset because we’re leaving the park.” That’s tough.”

Then provide guidance: “But it’s time for dinner now.”

If you slip up, apologise. Your humility teaches more than your perfection ever will.

Develop emotional rituals

Simple habits, such as asking, “What was your favourite part of today?” at bedtime, foster emotional connection every day.

Demonstrate empathy outside the home.

Be kind to waitstaff, drivers, and strangers. Your child develops empathy by observing it in action.

Final thoughts

Emotionally intelligent parents understand that parenting is about connection, not control.

They understand that their tone, energy, and reactions have a profound influence on how their child develops.

They never do:

• Lose control over anger
• Shame or ridicule
• Ignore emotions
• Criticise or gossip
• Compare
• Pretend perfection
• Project fear
• Use love for leverage

Because they understand that every interaction teaches something more profound than words.

At its core, emotionally intelligent parenting is about being present—not only physically, but also emotionally and spiritually.

When children grow up in such a loving environment, they not only become well-behaved but also develop a sense of self-worth.

They become whole.

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