Why Is It So Hard to Forgive Yourself?
Most of us have experienced multiple instances of being hurt by others, causing pain, anger, and sadness. When we feel bad and hurt, we point the finger at those who caused it.
We can’t eliminate these feelings until we forgive the person who hurt or wronged us. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean we forget what they did to us or that we should get back together with them. To forgive someone, you must let go of your anger, shame, and sadness, accept what happened, and move on.
It can be hard to forgive other people. But what if we are the ones doing the wrong thing? What if we were the ones who made everyone feel bad, guilty, angry, and ashamed? Research shows that it is much harder to forgive ourselves than it is to forgive other people.
Self-forgiveness
“Self-forgiveness” means forgiving yourself for hurting yourself or forgiving yourself for hurting someone else. As with “forgiveness,” “self-forgiveness” means being kind to ourselves, letting go of anger, guilt, and pain on purpose, feeling at peace inside, and learning from mistakes.
Why is it so difficult for us to let go?
Undoubtedly, we often do things that aren’t in line with our ideals. This is called cognitive conflict, when we act in what we think is the wrong way. That means that because we did something against our morals, we feel bad about ourselves and aren’t happy with our side.
So, we need to do something to make things better. And since we can’t take back what we’ve done, and it’s hard to forgive ourselves for the pain we’ve caused, it’s easier to start hurting ourselves.
Most of us don’t want to punish ourselves. Instead, we want to forgive ourselves and move on. But why do we keep hating ourselves? Why can’t we release the anger and pain and move on? Harmful things we do to ourselves, intentionally or accidentally, make it harder to forgive ourselves.
Do you say negative things to yourself?
Indulging in negative self-talk is the first thing that makes it hard to forgive yourself. When we know we’ve done something wrong, we can be hard on ourselves and criticise ourselves. For example, a student might fail a test because they didn’t study. After that, they feel guilty and angry, thinking, “Why can’t I be responsible for once? “I’m always like this. I’ll never win. I’m a loser.” Instead of focusing on what we’re doing wrong and planning to fix it, we keep judging ourselves for our mistakes and talking to ourselves like our own worst enemy.
Do you think about your mistakes a lot?
Another thing that hurts self-forgiveness is dwelling on the past.
Because of this, we keep feeling the same anger, sadness, guilt, and shame we felt the first time. We get stuck in the same circle of bad feelings.
It’s like we keep beating ourselves up over and over, which makes us feel even worse. When we think about the bad things that happened, how we felt, and what we thought, we tend to believe that our mistakes are permanent.
Also, ruminating gets in the way of handling problems effectively. Since we keep thinking and experiencing negative feelings, it’s hard to move on to an answer and see how we can accept what happened and forgive ourselves.
Our cognitive flaws can make it hard to forgive ourselves. Cognitive biases are unhelpful thinking habits we have picked up over the years.
Do you make negative situations bigger than they are?
The “Magnification” cognitive bias is our tendency to exaggerate or magnify the negative importance or consequences of some personal trait, event, or circumstance. Some of us may exaggerate the bad things that happen to us. As a result, we might think their mistake was so big that we could never forgive ourselves.
The more we emphasise how bad our mistake was, the worse we feel, and the harder it is for us to forgive ourselves.
Do you make ‘should’ statements?
“Should statements” are another cognitive flaw that makes it hard to forgive yourself. Many of us have expectations or standards for ourselves, and then we use those expectations to measure our success.
For example, we might say to ourselves, “I shouldn’t have done that,” “That’s not how it should be,” or “I shouldn’t make mistakes.” These claims can’t be true all the time. But because we set these high standards for ourselves, we often feel like failures when we don’t meet them. Ultimately, we can’t forgive ourselves for everything we should have been but aren’t.
Do you see your mistakes in black and white?
The tendency to see all experiences as positive or negative, good or bad, without being able to place oneself, other people, and situations along a continuum is a narrow viewpoint.
For example, when we make a mistake, we might feel like we’ve messed up everything in our lives and that there’s nothing good left in us. We can be either incredibly good or terrible. We don’t consider ourselves separate people who can do good or bad things. When we think this way, we may feel like what we did was so bad that nothing could improve it. This makes it hard to forgive ourselves.
Steps to let yourself off the hook
Self-forgiveness is linked to psychological health: happiness, a sense of purpose, anxiety, and depression.
Self-forgiveness also diminishes feelings of shame and self-condemnation. People who forgive themselves still take responsibility for their actions but feel less shame and guilt.
Self-compassion is the most important part of forgiving yourself. There are three parts to self-compassion:
- Self-kindness
The first is self-kindness, a tendency to treat one’s mistakes with care instead of judgement. For example, instead of being hard on yourself about a mistake you might have made, you could think about it differently and be kind to yourself.
What can you do? You might want to ask:
- What would I tell my best friend if he or she did the same thing?
- How would I explain this to my future child?
- How would I like my parents to discuss this with me?
By answering these questions, you can change your negative cognitive biases and inner “judge” with more realistic and kind self-talk.
- Humanity for all
The second is “common humanity,” which means “recognising that it is “human” to make mistakes and that others share that person’s pain. This part comes with being able to admit when we’re wrong.
Acceptance is recognising that you have a flaw or weakness or that something negative, like a failure, has happened and accepting it as a part of you.
Acceptance doesn’t mean we excuse or try to avoid bad actions. It means we accept our imperfections, try to figure out why we did things wrong, and learn from them. It also means that we treat ourselves with kindness. Mindfulness methods can help you learn to accept yourself.
- Mindfulness
Mindfulness is the third part of self-compassion.
Mindfulness is the ability to be in the present moment and observe what’s happening around you without judging or trying to change it.
Being aware makes it easier to accept the situation and separate yourself from the painful feelings. One simple way to be more mindful is to focus on your breath. You can only take one breath at a time. You can never take a breath from the past or the future again. So, when you pay attention to your breathing, you know you’re in the present.
Mindfulness can also be achieved by paying attention to three things you can touch, taste, see, or hear.
Another thing you can do to make forgiving yourself easier is to figure out your self-condemning thoughts and cognitive biases. You can do this by writing down your feelings or your inner self-talk in your journal.
If you can’t figure out your thoughts, you can let your feelings lead you there. When something bothers you, ask yourself, “What am I thinking about now?” After you’ve thought of some negative or critical thoughts, write down a more kind or realistic answer. For example, if you think, “I shouldn’t have made this mistake,” you could say, “I know that my action wasn’t what was expected, but as a human, I make mistakes sometimes. This doesn’t mean I’ve failed or that I’m bad. I’ll try to learn and get better from this.”
Self-forgiveness can be hard and take a long time, but it is worth taking the first step and getting started.
Seeking support on your journey of healing
It’s essential to know when to ask for help from a professional. A therapist can always help you figure out your thoughts and “difficult” feelings, accept what happened to you, and work through your trauma.
Hope Trust has over 25 verified therapists who would love to walk with you on your journey. Find the support you need today by clicking www.hopetrustindia.com for an instant online appointment.