You love an addict? This is how you can help him or her..
Here are a few strategies you might try to help the addict or alcoholic in your life:
- Help them hit bottom faster (do not rescue them)
- Make an ultimatum
- Stop reacting and detach
- Put your self-care and sanity first
There is some overlap here. You might use more than one strategy at a time.
Let’s dig deeper and closely examine each one:
Helping them hit bottom faster
“When I blame someone else for something, I give up my power to them.” ~ Al-Anon Saying
The most straightforward route to helping struggling addicts hit bottom faster is to stop enabling them. This is done by setting clear boundaries and sticking to them.
Some people might get the wrong idea here and think they have to take action to make the alcoholic’s life worse. This is not necessary. All you have to do is remove support for their drinking or drug use. That is all. If they are genuinely addicts and you are one of the only people enabling them, this will quickly bring about change.
The problem occurs when the addict or alcoholic has other people enabling them. If so, you could seek to educate these other people. If you all have a common interest in seeing the addict recover, you should band together and vow never to enable the addict again. Of course, this does not always work because many people do not think they are encouraging, but they believe they are helping instead.
Then there is the question of “outing” the alcoholic or addict. They might work where they care for others or drive regularly; you know they are frequently intoxicated or under the influence. What do you do then? Do you tell their superiors, get them in trouble, and probably get them fired? Do you do this for their safetyor the protection of others? For both? Or will doing so create too much resentment and backfire on you?
Taking drastic action and “outing” someone like this should never be done lightly. In some cases, if someone is truly out of control and endangering others’ lives, then there are cases where you should make the bold move and involve their superiors or the authorities. But realise at what price that comes. Fierce resentment is the most likely reaction, at least at first. Perhaps later, the addict will realise that you acted in their best interest, but do not expect that type of reasoning when you first call them out and get them into big trouble.
Because the reaction and resentment can be so great, we would not recommend “outing” someone until you have exhausted all options AND discussed the idea with at least two others. If others disagree with the view, then you might seek further counsel. Bring it to an Al-Anon meeting, even if you have never attended one. Tell the story, describe your plan, and see what the group thinks. There is much wisdom in a group discussion of that nature, which could help steer you towards the right decision.
You may think that you can predict where an addict’s bottom is. In truth, sometimes, it is much lower than we first suspect. Remember that many who struggle with addiction have to lose pretty much everything before they take action to fix their lives. For example, you might think, “Ah, now they have lost their job.Surely they will go to rehab now.” They may be ten years or more away from giving rehab a shot. You never know.
Start with setting boundaries
In such cases, your most powerful weapons are your boundaries. Decide what you will and will not put up with regarding their addiction, and then stick to it. Focus on your personal growth and independence so that you are strong enough to care for yourself if they spiral out of control.
Never allow yourself to hope with all your might that they will change someday without taking action to protect yourself first.
When you focus on yourself and your growth and gain strength, you have the power to set strict boundaries that have a chance at modifying their behaviour. Remember, without any consequences, they will not change a thing.
Become strong enough to set healthy limits and even walk away from the relationship if necessary. That is when they are most likely to hit bottom, when you can entirely withdraw all support and focus on your growth.
The idea is not to punish the alcoholic for getting sober. The idea is to decide what you will not live with and then build your strength to follow through.
If you are bearing the brunt of an addict’s addiction, then you probably have the most power to change it. Not that you have a magic wand, just that you can stop enabling them. In many cases, this will involve more than the threat of leaving—it may include going.
Most co-dependent people will say that this is impossible for them to do, or they will argue that they could never bring themselves to do it, and so on. But in some cases, it might be the best way forward and even lead to a stronger relationship.
Hitting bottom rarely happens when your spouse is still standing by your side, doing whatever they can to hold the relationship together. No, hitting bottom occurs when your spouse leaves and you have little to celebrate. That is the moment of despair that can produce real change.
Making an ultimatum
At some point in your relationship with an addict or alcoholic, you might choose to make an ultimatum.
Things may have progressed to a point where you are at your wit’s end, and you cannot see yourself continuing to live in this state of chaos any longer. You want relief. You want resolution. You want the madness to stop.
You might finally think of making an ultimatum with the addict or alcoholic. It will almost always be, “You quit, or I leave the relationship.” A slight variation on this is “you go to rehab, or I leave the relationship.”
One of the problems with making ultimatums is that most people who make them do not intend to follow through with them. It is not about what the addict decides to do. It is about you and your follow-through.
Do not issue an ultimatum unless you can live with either outcome. Never make a hollow threat with the idea that you might bully someone into taking action.
Ultimatums always work. They always resolve the issue. But this is only true if you follow through and stick to your new boundaries. If you are threatening to try and get them to stop drinking or using drugs, then the ultimatum will not work.
Ask yourself: “Are you willing to walk away from this person for good?” “Are you willing to sever all ties with them should they continue their addiction?”
Do not make an ultimatum if you are unwilling to go to that extreme and walk away from it all. Doing so will likely make things worse in the long run.
The next question is: “Should you make an ultimatum?” This depends on your level of sanity and peace in your life. How much are you sacrificing due to this other person’s addiction? How much has it compromised your serenity to keep living with the madness of addiction or alcoholism? And most importantly, is there a compelling reason for the addict to suddenly change their life, especially if you are still supporting them and staying by their side?
In other words, is your hope a desperate one? If it is, an ultimatum might bring you the relief you deserve.
In many cases, the addict will not be willing to get help if they can maintain the status quo and continue to self-medicate while enjoying the benefits of their relationship. So many addicts and alcoholics have to “lose everything” before they are willing to ask for help for their addiction.
This frequently means they must lose their close relationships, among other things. An ultimatum is a sure way to bring this decision to a head.
You say, “I am no longer willing to be with you if you are not clean and sober.” Change now, or I am leaving. Please choose.”
Please don’t say this unless you will walk away from it all. Regardless of their decision, that is the critical boundary that will make it all work.
Stop reacting and detach
“The 3 C’s: Didn’t cause it, can’t cure it, can’t control it.” ~ Al-anon saying.
This can be a powerful strategy, especially if you live with the addict or alcoholic in question and deal with them regularly. The idea is that you should stop reacting to them.
How does this work? The natural inclination is almost always to blow up at the addict when they get into trouble, lose control due to drug or alcohol use, or just generally screw up and make a fool of themselves. Our natural reaction is to yell, scream, argue, blow up, and react to the unacceptable nature of our addiction.
The problem is that if we do not blow up and react to the addict, we feel like we are condoning the behaviour. If we do not get angry and blow up at their shenanigans, we are “letting them off the hook.” And we feel that if we do not get mad at them and let them know this, it will only encourage them to keep using and abusing drugs and alcohol.
But, of course, this line of thinking is a trap. Why?
Because when you blow up at the addict in your life, you are giving them an out. You take the focus off them to an extent and direct it towards yourself.
How does this happen? Because when you blow up at them, now they have a target.
YOU are the one who is angry at them. YOU are the one who is yelling at them and adding to the chaos. Yes, they may have screwed up due to drug or alcohol use and created problems for themselves, but now YOU are yelling at them, allowing them to shift their focus.
An addict or alcoholic needs to examine their actions. To see themselves for what they have truly become. When you get into a yelling match about their addiction, it is no longer about their addiction. Now it is about the relationship. It is about the yelling competition. It is about anything except their need to self-medicate.
So, a key strategy is not to react when these critical moments arise. Let the alcoholic turn their rage into a self-examination. Do not give them an out if they try to drag you into a fight. Stand above the conflict, and force them to examine their feelings and the core of their addiction.
Not reacting to chaos takes practice. This is not about being a doormat. You still have boundaries and limits. But the idea is that you will no longer let their addiction turn into a yelling match that deflects them from looking closely at themselves and their own lives and seeing what a mess it has become.
Rise above the addiction, and do not let it affect you. The addict will be surprised when you do not react. They will be confused when they cannot drag your emotions into their chaos and thus shift the focus off of themselves.
Sooner or later, they will face it if you do not react to their addiction. And that could produce real change.
Put your self-care and sanity first.
What does caring for yourself have to do with helping the addict or alcoholic in your life to become clean and sober?
There are several benefits to putting your own sanity and personal growth first:
You are setting an example. When you put your own health and personal growth first as being the most crucial thing in your life, you help to set an example for the alcoholic or addict that you are trying to influence. Please do not make the mistake of thinking that they do not notice your growth, progress, or success.
The addict may feel trapped due to their addiction and secretly think that they could never enjoy a better life as you have, but this can still impact them and eventually help lead them to change. In other words, it is worth trying to set a good example, even if the addict does not believe they could ever attain it.
Addicts who hang around with other addicts and alcoholics will eventually believe that chaos and addiction are normal. For every person in their life who lives healthy and sober, it helps to smash this illusion and move them a bit closer to rationality. A bit indirect but still very important. Be the example of health and stability that you want for the addict in your life.
Achieve emotional balance and stability for yourself. The closer your relationship is with the addict, the more you must focus on your emotional health and strength.
It would help if you found a way to protect yourself from their chaos and become more emotionally healthy. You do this by practising detachment, becoming a stronger person yourself, and seeking support from others. You can contact a therapist for emotional help.
Achieving emotional health is vital from an indirect standpoint. While not directly causing anyone to get clean and sober, being emotionally stable gives you the foundation to better deal with the addict or alcoholic. In addition, you will be happier in your personal life if your emotions are on a more even keel.
Become healthy enough to enforce boundaries. When you become a stronger person on your path of growth, you get to a point where you can make the types of decisions that may have an impact on addiction and alcoholism.
For example, if you are co-dependent with the addict in your life, it is probably the case that you could push them closer to sobriety if you could set healthy boundaries. Doing so requires you to work on yourself, become stronger and more independent, recognise your unhealthy limitations, and then take action to do something about it.
You may identify co-dependency in counselling, sharing at Al-Anon meetings, or discussing your relationship with others. But then you have to take action and fix the problem. You can only do this by first making personal growth in your own life.
Becoming strong enough to enforce healthy boundaries does not happen by accident. You will need help with it. It will take deliberate action on your part and hard work. But the result is a healthier you, a healthier relationship, and perhaps the start of pushing an addict towards real change.
Rise above the chaos. If you commit yourself to personal growth and healthier living, then good things will start to happen in your life, regardless of whether or not the addict in your life decides to get help.
If you prioritise detachment and personal growth, you put yourself in the best position to “weather the storm” if the addict continues in their addiction. You can still put yourself in the best place to help them if they decide to change.
Detachment takes practice. Self-improvement takes real work and genuine effort. If this stuff were easy, the results would not be worthwhile.
The fact is that this is an opportunity for you to push yourself to become stronger and healthier. Use it as an opportunity. Dealing with another person’s addiction can become a gift if you use it as an incentive to become stronger.
Some day you may look back and say, “Look at how much I have grown because I had to learn how to cope with addiction.” It may not be what you asked for in life, but you can still make the best of it and become a stronger and healthier person because of it.
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